I AM HIDING THINGS
I don’t know why, and indeed not what.
But I feel I am hiding something. I am holding something back that resides deep inside me. I feel its presence. Not threatening, only that there is something there. Like when you move blindfolded in a room and feel the presence of things, people, especially moods. And I sense that this something is ME. My true essence, my true ME.
I would love to know what it feels like, to let that ME free, but I still can’t grasp it yet. It lies hidden so deep inside me. It is covered and overloaded with armours and shields, covered by stories from my life and stories of some of my family members’ lives or companions, stories written by myself, and stories written by others and put into my mouth—a massive inner barrier.
I have uncovered many such old stories. Some were surreal and completely overwhelming. Some were so foreign to me that I could only express a particular feeling without knowing its background. These were definitely not my stories. But they were in me, in my body - and have paralysed me for as long as I can remember.
This paralysis prevents my hidden self from coming to light: A paralysis due to the many superimpositions I need none of them. They stick to me like tar.
I am a brave person. I am not afraid to look at things. I face them. I feel pain, sadness, shame and responsibility. I feel these feelings so intensely that I scare other people. I know that. They feel threatened by me because I mirror their shadows back to them. - Without consciously doing so. It’s just my character. I observe until I understand a particular thing from the bottom up.
Besides all the painful feelings, however, I notice a vast portion of unlived joy resting inside me. Unlived success, unlived sexuality, unlived fun, unlived serenity, unlived love.
I have had this deep-seated inner longing for ages. I have tried to satisfy it with everything possible - on the outside; consumption; control; bravery. It did not go away.
The more I allow this longing to be there, the more the fog fades of what it causes and what it strives for :
To be me - tutto completto!
Simply me. This ME whose presence I feel inside me. The thought of keeping my ME hidden for the rest of my life is unbearable for me. Especially since I don’t believe that something could come to light what needs to be better concealed - that’s just a relict of an old conviction according to my conditioning.
I feel a strong inner urge to override these limitations finally. And I feel I have the strength and the courage to do so.
I am going on research - a treasure hunt for my ME.
Even if that means having to dive and dig even more profound to remove ballast standing in my way to uncover my view on ME.
I know that means grinding away material - literally: practising yoga so intensively to ride my edges and peel away layers deep inside myself. As deep as I have never gone before. To reveal and show myself.
Showing myself has nothing to do with how I dress, whether I wear make-up or not (I’ve often thought that). I’ve lived in this body long enough to know its weak points: A bit too much weight on my ribs, stretch marks, orange-peel skin, dark shadows under my eyes, etc. I am an ordinary human -.
But that’s not it. I want to get to the core of my being and get to know myself so that I no longer need to live with this feeling of someone being there I don’t know and don’t even know whether I like her or not. No.
I want to see who I am finally.